Thanks a ton for all the comments, and the particular stories. I really wonder if I would just bring the old self along, therefore why go through the hassle of moving if it is not required for work. Maybe try to find new paths where I live.
That is exactly what I did last year. Bought a low mileage 2003 9-5. Treated the whole process like owning a commercial aircraft where replaced as part as possible to start fresh. Easier in this day and age, with internet helping on guidance and parts. I am not a car guy overall, though average auto design, external and internal, low-priced or expensive, is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Saab was about only thing that was calming for me.
The mentions of Jim O'Rourke took me back to a meeting with him I've never forgotten. Thought others would enjoy hearing.
Our paths used to cross in Chicago through a mutual friend when Jim was in his early 20s. Through the mutual friend, I had heard a story that Jim had purchased a fax machine--something reserved for big corporation at the time--and was sending his scores around the world.
One night all of us ended up at the Old Town Ale House on North Avenue in Chicago, a real old school funky mix kind of a place. Jim sat next to me at one of the two tables by the windows. He pulled a photo out of his wallet, the way people share photos of kids. This picture, though, was of an old record producer he loved. Then Jim laid out a precise vision of an album he hoped to make some day. The vision he shared became Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Wilco did not even exist as Wilco at the time of this get together. This is one of my first direct exposures to a person with a distant dream becoming a reality.
Many years later I was flipping through the Sunday Chicago Tribune. The edition had a full page story on Jim when he decided to move from Chicago to New York.
A number of years after that, one Sunday I decided to walk to a local gas station to surprise my wife with the Sunday New York Times. What article happened to be inside? A full page piece on Jim moving from New York to Japan.
Zack, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to articulate your thoughts. Your view is different, yet coherent. Printed up your comment for further study. Please write a little more if possible.
Hey thanks. I always wince when I post these things, because I never know if I'm just projecting, or if something in my words might get misconstrued, etc. So it means a lot when someone replies.
For me, the healing really began when I started communicating and setting boundaries. Expressing sentiment, even if I can't make good on what I'm trying to do, goes a long way. And stepping outside myself, so that I can vouch for myself the way I would for someone else, also does wonders for quality of life.
But everyone has their own struggles. I know people who battle video game addiction, and drinking, and saving for their kids' college fund. My difficulties seem almost quaint in comparison sometimes. Like really? I got to grow up and program computers and have a bunch of cool jobs doing web stuff, and all I can do is complain? Well yes actually, because for all of that, I never really quite did what I originally set out to do. That can weigh on a person more than anything else sometimes.
So honestly I write for a younger me from 20 years ago, while I still maybe had a healthy bit of cynicism but was not yet disillusioned, in the hopes that it helps someone avoid stuff like the burnouts and bouts of depression that I went through. Which is perhaps a bit idealistic, because suffering and loss is something that everyone experiences as part of life.
It really comes down to the search for meaning for me. Stuff like: what comes after atheism? What's a dream, or a hallucination, or an alternate reality like those experienced when we pass out or have near-death experiences? How come science can't explain synchronicity or angel numbers or other coincidences, except dismissively? We literally have no evidence that our scientific models entirely describe our physical reality. They can't even explain consciousness. Those gaps in our knowledge are opportunities for finding meaning. Perhaps metaphysics can help us navigate such nebulous concepts. And also, how do we know how our experiences shaped our understanding? I sometimes look back fondly at some of the "worst" periods of my life. Often, the obstacle is the way.
Which is a book I'd like to read sometime. Also A Course in Miracles. Unlike reason, where we stand on the shoulders of giants, meaning comes more like discovering a truth of one's existence, only to learn that someone already wrote it down thousands of years ago. A different kind of validation.
So much more to say about all that.. but it's really more about finding one's own way than endlessly studying philosophy. But it's ok to do that, to work on oneself. These times are kind of rough not for all the blessings we receive, but for all the little things that seem perpetually out of reach. Time, rest, the esteem of our friends and colleagues, being with our families. My deepest wish is that we find a way to heal ourselves and then the world and seek faith/hope/love, peace and harmony together so that we can all self-actualize and manifest heaven on Earth in the New Age. And we're right there, so close!
