Your suicidal ideation seems to me a direct result of your own ideas about yourself. You say you’re healthy and able but you’re not doing anything to change your situation (which is admittedly crappy). You don’t enjoy your life, even though you’re healthy and disease free. I know someone who has a chronic illness that will kill them eventually. They work towards their goals and are generally a happy person.

It’s about your outlook.

Basically: If you don’t like your situation, change it. Can you change your life? The probability is 99.99% yes. But you have to change your mind first.

I’d say see a therapist asap. Try better help . Com or some other remote service if you can’t find one nearby.